I don’t have a lot of self confidence — never have. When I was younger, I loved to draw just for sake of drawing. I don’t remember being worried about whether or not my drawings were any good but just how much I enjoyed creating them. As I grew older, this (and many parts of the rest of my life) turned into a competition....and that’s partly on me and partly on the outside world. It’s easy to compare my work to others’ and see how mine doesn’t measure up to theirs, and this has been confirmed on several occasions where I entered art contests and exhibits only to get the dreaded rejection letter from the expert. Couple that with a perfectionist personality who never feels like I’m quite good enough and you have a recipe for failure mentality.
All of these thoughts were swimming in my head as the day approached for me to paint live at an event. Could I present a good painting? Could I complete it in a few hours? Could I handle the watchful eyes and comments? How would I handle the amount (if any) it brought in the auction?
I know in the grand scheme of life these are small things, but for me last Friday they were kinda big and new and scary.
I had a realization a few months ago that me making art was more than just learning to paint better and sell more and all the things that go into having a successful art business. I realized God was using me and my art in ways for His glory that I’m still trying to figure out. My relationship with Him has grown a lot the past couple of years so it’s natural for me to include Him in all things pertaining to my art as well as the rest of my life. One of the ways I include Him is by praying, which I did a lot Friday, and asked others to pray for me as well.
As I was telling some folks how I would like for them to pray, I said something God put on my heart and it helped me tremendously. I asked God to help me not equate my worth to how little or how much the painting went for. It would be so easy for me to think I was a complete failure if the painting did poorly and brought little to no money. But I realized something else: I would have thought in some ways I was the real deal and pretty awesome if it sold for a lot. But in that prayer request was the truth: My worth in God’s eyes has absolutely nothing to do with what people think of my paintings — whether they think they are amazing or if they walk by them and never give them a second look.
God does not equate my worth with what I do. He loves me for me.
That prayer sank into me and I could feel true peace from God. And when the live event and auction were over, I can see how God’s hand was on me in everything that happened that night relating to me and the painting.
I shared this pretty vulnerable story about myself because I bet I am not the only one who struggles with self doubt and feelings of low self worth. I hope my story reminds you of your true self worth in Christ if you are a Christian. And if you are not, I’d love to share what my faith means to me with you.